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Creating The Space For Love

  • July 31, 2010 at 3:23 pm

We may think to ourselves or confide in others our desire to have someone special in our lives, but the question is are we truly ready for a mate? Have we created the space to share our lives with another? Many times we live such busy lives and say, when I meet someone, I’ll make the space. No, the time to create the space isn’t once you meet someone; the time to create the space is now. So when the person enters your life the transition is seamless. It feels right. Like a glove, the space within is meant for a hand to enter. The manufacturer didn’t think, “Well until I have the EXACT measurements of the hand, then I’ll make the glove.” Instead, they had the mentality, “If you build it, they will come.” You should have that mentality too when it comes to having a serious relationship.

One of my girlfriends was great at this! While she was single, she created the type of moments she wanted to share with her life partner. Oftentimes she would buy herself beautiful, fresh flowers or take herself out on a “date” where she would go on a picnic, the movies or even a romantic dinner….alone (which I know strikes fear in the hearts of many, but shouldn’t). However, she really took the time to appreciate herself. To acknowledge her value and self-worth during those times and the fact she didn’t have to depend on someone else to do it for her. When she did meet her husband, she was able to continue these great outings and share them with him. She didn’t have to find the space. She had already created it.

What can you clear out of your life to make room for your potential mate? What activities have you been putting off until you meet…the “one” that you should currently be doing? Think about the type of relationship you would like to foster with your mate and do those things now! What space can you create in your schedule to meet people and go on dates? Is your living space a welcoming, comfortable environment where you have the ability to nurture love and allow it to grow? Where would you like to share time with your mate: art museums, music concerts or a comedy show? Then don’t wait until you find him or her, go now! Maybe you’ll even meet someone special while attending one of these events! You will at least be meeting people who share common interests with you which could lead to a good friendship or a possible romance.

Creating the space allows you to realize that your enjoyment in life is not dependent on someone else but comes from within. No one else can ever make you happy anyway. Also, who knows, maybe your life partner will be perfect except he/she hates something you love: sports, the museum or never buys flowers. It will be ok, because during your singlehood journey, you have been assured that your happiness is not contingent on anyone else but yourself. This will take unnecessary pressure off your mate and give you the opportunity to simply enjoy being in love.

Photo: Mike Baird / Flickr

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What’s Most Important In A Potential Mate?

  • July 21, 2010 at 4:22 pm

While looking at status updates on Facebook the other day, I came across one that caught my attention: “How do you date in 2010? It’s funny but we as people sometimes lose sight on the key ingredients of a relationship or a marriage. To find a mate anywhere, online, a club, etc. and be physically attracted to them and quickly jump in the bed but you really don’t know that person but because the sex is so good, then you overlook their faults. So what’s more important: physical attraction/good sex or moral values, let me know.” *

My first thought after reading this was, “Well I’d like to have all three!” However, as I read his comments, I started to think about my personal dating and relationship life. Which do I really choose first? There are several great guys in my life that I have platonic friendships which I greatly admire and appreciate their morals and values. They have the type of standards of the man I would want to marry. Unfortunately, I am not physically attracted to the majority of these guys and if there is no physical attraction, I’m not going to even look to explore the sexual chemistry. At one point, I tried to date a guy that although I wasn’t physically attracted, had the morals and values I was looking for. When asking one of my guy friends for advice on the situation, he told me, “Why would you want to date someone where’s there’s no attraction?”  I agreed and decided to look elsewhere.

On the other hand, I have dated men with great looks, whom I went on to have a powerful sexual connection, but after finding out their values and morals didn’t match up to mine, I broke it off. This was definitely harder, because then I would ask myself (and God), “Oh why couldn’t this work out? Why couldn’t he have had the same morals and values as mine as well?” Sigh!

I don’t want to come off as being picky and I truly want someone who is the entire package. However, sometimes it seems that the longer I’m single and the older I get, the slimmer the pickings. A friend of mine, Sharon, once emailed me this joke about what a woman wants in a man:

What I Want In A Man!     Original  List
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring  listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises

What I Want in a Man         Revised List (age  32)
1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries

What I Want in a Man      Revised List (age  42)
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn’t  drive off until I’m in the car
3. Works steady – splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I’m talking
5. Usually remembers  punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man     Revised List (age  52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn’t belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn’t borrow money too often
4. Doesn’t nod off to sleep when I’m venting
5. Doesn’t re-tell the same joke too many  times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh  underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What I Want in a Man     Revised List (age  62)
1. Doesn’t scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn’t require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he’s laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it’s the weekend

What I Want in a Man       Revised List (age  72)
1. Breathing..
2. Doesn’t miss the toilet..

I don’t want to compromise what I’m looking for just to find a potential mate. However, I don’t want to end up being single and alone because I wasn’t open-minded enough. I feel I bring an entire package to the table, is it too much to ask that my potential mate does so as well?

How do you date in 2010? What are the most important aspects you look for in a potential mate?

* Facebook quote originally written by TK Williams and used with permission.

Photo: Seekaltroutes’/ Flickr

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Are Women The New Men?

  • July 15, 2010 at 1:37 pm

There is a new trend that is slowly impacting romantic relationships as we know it. A societal shift so monumental, it is changing the way women and men relate to each other. Gender roles now cease to exist as women are more likely to graduate from college, maintain their jobs and are increasingly becoming the breadwinners of their households. Conversely, Fox reality channel has started to feature a series entitled, “Househusbands of Hollywood.” What’s going on? Are women becoming the new men?

While working on my Masters  thesis, I realized how much the Women’s Liberation Movement impacted the roles of women in the 20th and 21st centuries. What started out as a movement to eliminate gender inequality in our laws and culture soon became a complete transformation of gender roles as women were taught to be independent and strong. Women could do anything a man could do; possibly even better than they could. But where did these beliefs place men? What’s now their role in the romantic relationship structure?

It seems men are totally confused: “Do I open the car door or do I not?”, “Do I buy her flowers or do I not?”, “Do I pay for the date or do I not?” Every woman’s expectation of men differs when it comes to dating. However it seems there are still several women like myself, who prefer the old fashioned gender roles, especially when it comes to courtship. Let me give you a personal example of how this plays out today:

Recently, I met a man who volunteers with me in a group. He approached me about going on a date which I positively responded to. We settled on a day and time and I text him suggestions regarding restaurants we could meet. He text me back saying he couldn’t decide and that he trusted me to pick the place and he would meet me there. Being attracted to decisive men, I text him back stating I would prefer him to pick the place as I was just making suggestions. We went back and forth on this minor detail until finally I just ended up picking the place. He then asked for the address which I sent. Then he asked for the cross street. Infuriated, I explained to him that I was not 411 or Mapquest. I was trying to be helpful, but I felt like I had to spoon feed him everything and it was becoming a turnoff. He responded that he “liked a woman who could make things happen to her with her own ideas and plans. He could take directions too as it’s a modern world.” But is it? I don’t want to be with a man with whom I have to be the head decision maker. I like the role of the woman being the support and the help mate! Am I setting the Feminist Movement back by feeling this way or am I restoring order to gender roles in romantic relationships?

Please also check out a video from the Mo’Nique show that touches on this very same topic and let me know your thoughts: http://dimewars.com/Video/GENDER-ROLES–Some-Of-These–Independent–Women-Should-Take-Note-Of-What-Mo-Nique-Has-To-Say-Here.aspx?bcmediaid=6be0e911-694e-45f8-95ff-244f7ef07cea

Photo: gcoldironjr2003/ Flickr

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