There is a new trend that is slowly impacting romantic relationships as we know it. A societal shift so monumental, it is changing the way women and men relate to each other. Gender roles now cease to exist as women are more likely to graduate from college, maintain their jobs and are increasingly becoming the breadwinners of their households. Conversely, Fox reality channel has started to feature a series entitled, “Househusbands of Hollywood.” What’s going on? Are women becoming the new men?
While working on my Masters thesis, I realized how much the Women’s Liberation Movement impacted the roles of women in the 20th and 21st centuries. What started out as a movement to eliminate gender inequality in our laws and culture soon became a complete transformation of gender roles as women were taught to be independent and strong. Women could do anything a man could do; possibly even better than they could. But where did these beliefs place men? What’s now their role in the romantic relationship structure?
It seems men are totally confused: “Do I open the car door or do I not?”, “Do I buy her flowers or do I not?”, “Do I pay for the date or do I not?” Every woman’s expectation of men differs when it comes to dating. However it seems there are still several women like myself, who prefer the old fashioned gender roles, especially when it comes to courtship. Let me give you a personal example of how this plays out today:
Recently, I met a man who volunteers with me in a group. He approached me about going on a date which I positively responded to. We settled on a day and time and I text him suggestions regarding restaurants we could meet. He text me back saying he couldn’t decide and that he trusted me to pick the place and he would meet me there. Being attracted to decisive men, I text him back stating I would prefer him to pick the place as I was just making suggestions. We went back and forth on this minor detail until finally I just ended up picking the place. He then asked for the address which I sent. Then he asked for the cross street. Infuriated, I explained to him that I was not 411 or Mapquest. I was trying to be helpful, but I felt like I had to spoon feed him everything and it was becoming a turnoff. He responded that he “liked a woman who could make things happen to her with her own ideas and plans. He could take directions too as it’s a modern world.” But is it? I don’t want to be with a man with whom I have to be the head decision maker. I like the role of the woman being the support and the help mate! Am I setting the Feminist Movement back by feeling this way or am I restoring order to gender roles in romantic relationships?
Please also check out a video from the Mo’Nique show that touches on this very same topic and let me know your thoughts: http://dimewars.com/Video/GENDER-ROLES–Some-Of-These–Independent–Women-Should-Take-Note-Of-What-Mo-Nique-Has-To-Say-Here.aspx?bcmediaid=6be0e911-694e-45f8-95ff-244f7ef07cea
Photo: gcoldironjr2003/ Flickr
- July 17, 2010 at 9:47 pm
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- July 19, 2010 at 10:48 am
MelI too believe a man should open a door for your, perhaps send you flowers and be the “knight in shinning armor.” It is common courtesy as well though. If you walk into a store and someone is behind you, you hold the door. If you are in an elevator and the door starts to close, you hold it if you see someone trying to get on. I think in today’s world, these things get forgotten, so many people are in a rush. All I know is that if you are not a gentleman, you are “kicked to the curb! My man is a total knight and I love him for it!! “I’ll do the dishes, if you pay all the bills!” You know how this song goes!! Happy hunting to all you single people out there.
- July 20, 2010 at 4:23 am
lasanaonlineThanks as always for your comment, Mel!
- July 20, 2010 at 6:54 am
4realThe real problem that should be addressed is why men don’t know how to be men anymore? No Women aren’t the new men. Women are the more responsible of the two because we live in a culture that has demoralized the value of the family unit with the male as head of household being the provider and the protector of his family. So now you have more baby daddies instead of fathers and single women/mothers having to carry so much of the baggage they don’t have a choice but to take on both roles from family to career. Here we are seeing the dominoe effect of it all.
- July 20, 2010 at 11:12 am
BetsySo true! Ånd I’m NOT a fan of this shift. I am rooting for men to “man up” and be decisive, intelligent, hardworking, spiritually mature, etc. etc. etc.
- July 20, 2010 at 1:42 pm
4realAnd another problem attributing to this are these stupid reality shows like Rock of Love and Love of Ray J and now Ochocinco finds love are nothing but glorified and glamorized representation/influence of guys pimping out girls.
Its like a modern day televised Harem. No wonder men these days don’t know how to man up and treat a lady right instead of a Ho. And when a real woman with some substance comes along they don’t know what to do except ostricize her because she has standards. Okay I’m done! Lol.
- August 3, 2010 at 7:19 pm
lasanaonlineLOVE the comments! You have brought up some great points and I appreciate you sharing them with us!
- July 20, 2010 at 11:54 am
RebeccaI want to be courted. I think all women do. I want him to make the plans. I was recently asked what I wanted to do on the first date. I said miniature golf and said would leave the rest to him to plan (ie which place to go to). A friend of mine said she is looking to meet a guy who gets things done, has an air of authority about him, etc, and I couldn’t agree more. I’m thinking I just came across this….cross your fingers!!!
- August 3, 2010 at 7:24 pm
lasanaonlineI’m with you and your friend, Rebecca! I also want to be courted and be with a man who gets things done and has an air of authority about him. Just thinking about it is a turn-on for me! I know men like this exists and because this is the type of men we’re attracted to, I believe we will attract them to us. I have found after writing this article, there are several women who don’t desire this type of man as they would prefer to be the ones in control in the relationship. To them, they can have the men we’re leaving behind!
- July 20, 2010 at 8:53 pm
ATCKThe gender roles are definitely out of wack in today’s society. I experience it in my own relationship all of the time. But at least we talk it out if there’s an issue. I think today’s women are just used to doing things for themselves as opposed to expecting or waiting for a man to take care of things for her. More power to you. But I know that I personally would appreciate if my lady would fall back a bit a let me handle things. I’m definitely old fashioned when it comes to relationships. I’m learning to live with the give and take. Woosa. LOL.
- August 3, 2010 at 7:32 pm
lasanaonlineYes, as women we’ve been taught so much in our society to be I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T that it can be difficult to let the reigns go and let our man take control! I know there are many times I catch myself in simple ways such as I go to open my own door just as the guy is about to do it for me. My issue, is when men decide that because this is how women are, they are going to lay back and allow her to just take over and do all the work and make all of the decisions. Some women want to be the ones in control in the relationship. I for one have to be in control so much already in a male dominated industry and world that when I come home, I want to just rest assured knowing that my man is handling business!
- July 20, 2010 at 9:53 pm
sebastianyAmen! Its about time a woman is using logic with regards to this subject. Genearlly speaking….of course men know how to be men!!! The question women need to ask themselves is are they really letting men be men. If you can do everything I can do and maybe even better then what do you need me for? God made woman specifically to be a helpmate to the man. That means women need men and men need women. Let’s not forget the specific roles God created for us.
- July 21, 2010 at 9:32 pm
CaseyI would leave a comment, but you just said everything that needed to be said!
- August 3, 2010 at 7:33 pm
lasanaonlineI’m with Casey! Great points! Thanks for sharing!!
- July 22, 2010 at 9:06 am
rizzI would say that I am working on becoming as lil boosie would say I.N.D.E.P.E.N.D.E.N.T. do you know what I mean. I dont need to wait for a guy to pay for my meal or take me out or anything. Saying that, I think guys now a days have taken it a little too far. Now being from NY I have no probs taking the train to get to a destination, but when u tell me to take the LIRR to boondockville to meet you because you’re too broke to afford gas money to come and get me… then you tell me that you thought I was down to earth, because I dont want to meet you in the abyss… yea! we’re done. btw true story, happened yesterday. I dont expect the moon but I do expect a little decency. It seems like guys want a something for nothing. It is the American way after all and thats why we have the subprime morgage crisis on our hands.
- August 3, 2010 at 7:37 pm
lasanaonlineYea, that is definitely taking it a bit too far! When a man projects his weaknesses unto you and then acts like it’s your fault or you weren’t the woman that he “thought you were.” It’s just wrong. There isn’t anything wrong with being independent but in a relationship, there must be give and take. Not just take, take, take from the other person’s end and no give. Sounds like he showed you his cards early and you dodged a potentially negative relationship. Congrats to you!
- July 22, 2010 at 12:38 pm
Maleka SabahI believe in gender roles as well. I also believe that women confused something really important during or after the women’s rights movement – equal rights (referring to the legal sphere) didn’t and still does not mean that women are or should fill the same social roles as men. Women and men have certain natural abilities, oftentimes, that make each better able to lead certain activities more often than the other. Having the right to work, own property, inherit the wealth of her husband, etc. is not the same as opening a door, paying attention, etc. etc. So, you are not setting the womens’ rights movement back at all by preferring traditional social roles. instead, if this discussion is taken up by many more, then it may lead to more clarity and improved relationships between both sexes and amongst members of each sex.
- August 3, 2010 at 9:56 pm
lasanaonlineGlad you can relate to this blog article and that you agree the Women’s Liberation Movement had an effect on modern dating and relationships. I too agree that this discussion should be taken up by many more and hope this blog can be a catalyst to the conversation.
- September 8, 2010 at 9:24 pm
GirlieGirlI absolutely believe in gender roles. I believe a woman should be lovely, confident and comfortable in her own skin. I believe a man should be a confident, gentleman and a capable leader. When a man does his part and a woman does her part the confusion and anxiety of dating subsides. Women love gentlemen HANDS DOWN and in order to be compatible with a gentleman a woman must have grace and be ladylike.
Switching roles only throws things off and makes a huge mess out of things because a man should not expect a woman to treat him like a woman and a woman should not expect a man to treat her like a man.
We need to place a bigger emphasis on respect for family and respect ourselves and respect for others if we want to see a shift in the dating world, because dating should result in marriage. Whoever dates with intentions other than that will show signs that are very clear for one wise enough to see that.
- February 17, 2011 at 8:32 pm
GuestApparently in the United States, women are not the new men. We still emphasize too much on gender roles in relationships and courting, that it could never go away and that it creates more domestic violence like men should pursue women and women should play hard to get. If you head to France, Germany, Switzerland, or Sweden, for example, the society is more open minded and equal. Men in those countries are shy, careful, and patient and don’t mind women courting them and they don’t view women in a negative manner when they do so, nor punch them around, rape, or kill them. The sentence for committing violent acts against women in those countries is harsher, especially in France. Whereas in North America, Latin America, The Philippines, Spain, or Italy, if you court a man assertively and confidently, he’ll eventually retaliate and abusive because men in those countries view confident and assertive women as being aggressive and expect women to be passive, mysterious, and coy. Also, men in those countries typically court women, but are sometimes far more aggressive when they do so, especially in North America. For example, men assaulting and/or killing other men over women, flashing buttocks and genitals, puffing out their chests, flexing biceps, etc.-these are all too common when men court women and it is dangerous and leads to men landing in jail for indecent exposure, sexual harassment, rape, murder, battery, etc. The bottom line is, it’s best to play it safe and court a man instead. Hey, at least women are more likely to be assertive, logical, and rational when courting men. In other words, they use their brains when they do so, unlike men in the same manner, who are more likely to land in court or jail.
- April 13, 2011 at 6:24 pm
RichardHonestly speaking, gender roles should not be the absolute but the exception. Door opening and men paying for dinner on the first date is ludicrous because for a women to expect paid dinner, a men should expect sex.
Question: Who expectation of gender roles win? Men or Women? A large majority of men pays for something in hopes of something in return, that is the only reason why these roles are in place, is to keep a women happy and to possibly get laid (Think about this: who design most clothes for women: A Men–Who came up with Valentine Day: A Men–And You cannot spell women without the three letters “M.e.n”….
Lastly, gender roles are not the same, it varies from culture and upbringing. Lets face the facts, gender roles are good for some things but not all things, and if gender roles is what keeps him (or her) happy, it will be the leading cause of keeping him (or her) single because gender roles is just a role, like acting, in life, you must put down the script and go for what you know.
To truly be happy, both people need to accept people for who they are and not who they want them to be.
- April 13, 2011 at 7:29 pm
MelaneiAfter watching the video and listening to her speak elicited a pretty strong reaction from me. I’ve always had strong female role models and my life has required me to be independent as well. I am not sure it’s in me to be submissive in a relationship; to place his wan…ts and needs above your own at all times which seems like such an antiquated idea. That’s not to say I always have to be in control, but life has made me independent and it feels as though she’s inferring that the man in the relationship is the “boss” or father figure to a certain extent. I am not looking for a parent or a job, thus this idea actually repels me somewhat. To be successful, I suppose the trick would be in finding a good one, but how do you put your life in someone else’s hands so completely? Is it silly to hope for an equal partnership built upon love and trust, where both partners aim to make the other happy instead of just the wife making her life about pleasing her spouse? Does that mean that I am destined to be single forever?
- April 14, 2011 at 7:53 am
CristinaI must say being an independent woman who is the primary breadwinner, although I enjoy my career and lifestyle I yearn for a take charge man. I’m not sure if this is our Gen X childhood teachings that has become innate but I think it’s sexy when a man has a confident, aggressive, “take care of family/wife” decisive mannerism. Still hunting!!!!