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Is Having A STD Better Than A PHD When It Comes To Dating For Women?

  • January 6, 2014 at 10:24 am

For the last three decades women have outpaced men in graduating from college in the United States. With women drastically outnumbering men in their age groups, it is having a tremendous impact on dating and relationships as most people prefer to marry equally educated partners. But it is becoming increasingly difficult for women to find eligible marriage partners. According to an American Council of Education report published in January of 2010, Undergraduate enrollment and degree distribution is 43% male and 57% female; however, women account for 60% of graduate school enrollment. So what does this gender gap mean for women who have attained graduate degrees? Has getting a higher education sabotaged their chances of finding a suitable husband?

The majority of my girlfriends (myself included) who have yet to be married, have obtained graduate degrees and have found finding “Mr. Right” to be a challenge. While several of them are open-minded and will date a guy at almost any academic level, many of them feel having an advanced degree puts them at a disadvantage when dating. They believe their degree intimidates men and makes them feel insecure. Rather than being seen as a strong teammate and companion, men see it as a threat to their manhood and would rather date someone who is not as educated. One of my girlfriends in particular hates for a guy to know in the beginning of a relationship that she has a doctorate degree and says, “It’s better for me to have a STD than a PHD. At least a guy knows what to do with a STD. He’ll say, ok well we can do some things, but maybe not everything. But a girl with a PHD, he doesn’t know what to do with that.”

As a woman who has many highly educated and open-minded male friends, I decided to ask them about this. Did they truly feel threatened by a woman who had an advanced degree? While some said, “No” and thought of it as an asset to the relationship, one man even stating, “Not only do I prefer to be with someone who is intelligent but she’s going to be the mother of my children. She’s going to be our children’s first teacher.” Others agreed it did intimidate them. Another man stating, “Yea, she’s going to expect more and demand more. I’m not down for all of that.”

What do you think? Does a woman’s education have an effect on her marital status? How much of a role does a person’s educational level play in your decision to seriously date or marry them?

Photo: Aprilzosia / Flickr

The 3 C’s: Chemistry, Commitment and Communication

  • April 23, 2013 at 8:45 am

If you’re a woman or an engaged or married man, you most likely have heard about the 4 C’s:  Cut, Carat, Clarity and Color. Although these C’s may be important to know if you’re about to embark on a marital relationship, are you aware of the C’s that will help you sustain a relationship before and during marriage? In my recent blog, “Why Do Americans Need To Be Married?” I shared with you what psychologist Steve Brody called the 3 C’s: Chemistry, Commitment and Communication. Let’s discuss why the 3 C’s are important in building and maintaining a healthy relationship:

  • Chemistry: It’s challenging for a relationship to thrive and flourish without chemistry. Chemistry is the emotional glue that makes you connect and want to stay with a person. Some people experience chemistry as a spark, that “being swept off your feet” feeling. Others experience chemistry as a feeling of connection or “knowingness” they are supposed to be with a certain person. However you experience chemistry, the important thing is for it to be present in the relationship.
  • Commitment: Everyone knows relationships can be challenging with two people coming together having distinct personalities, backgrounds and life experiences. Add to that life’s ups and downs along with spontaneous situations and circumstances and you can have a recipe for disaster to any relationship. Even if there is a lot of chemistry in the relationship, if there is no commitment the relationship will not last. Commitment isn’t just about staying in the relationship but truly being there for each other, supporting each other in reaching goals and becoming the best person each can be. Commitment is also about staying true to your partner. Safeguarding your relationship from outside influences. This could be from family members who don’t like your partner, friends who don’t get along with your partner or members of the opposite sex who may seduce you to cheat on your partner. Being truly committed gives your relationship the ability to weather the storms of life no matter how tumultuous they may become.
  • Communication: Effective communication is the “secret sauce” of maintaining a healthy relationship. It is a known fact that men and women communicate differently. Because of this, miscommunications within relationships happen frequently. A lack of communication is also harmful in sustaining a healthy relationship. So how can we get communication to work for us instead of against us? By having direct oral communication, we can easily stop making assumptions and thinking our partner can read our minds. Notice I stated direct oral communication. In this day and age, technology has made it easier and quicker for us to communicate, but text and email communication is still nowhere near as effective as oral communication whether in person or by phone. Communication allows each partner to share their needs, desires and expectations. This knowledge is necessary in allowing a relationship to survive and thrive.

Instituting the 3 C’s in your relationship will ensure both parties remain happy and fulfilled and your relationship will be a stronghold providing you with love and security for years to come.

Do you have the 3 C’s in your relationship? If so, what do you do within your relationship to strengthen them?

Photo: Pink Sherbet Photography/ Flickr

What? You’re Engaged?

  • April 9, 2013 at 11:30 am

Was on the phone with a friend a few weeks ago when the conversation turned to a guy I used to date. She said to me, “I saw him the other day. Did you know he’s engaged?” Stunned, I suppressed my feelings of dismay and confusion as I recently spoke to this now friend of mine about his current relationship, having even directly asked him a few days earlier, “Do you see this relationship getting serious?” His response to me was, “Yes, I could.” not “Yes, I have actually asked her to marry me and we’re planning the wedding.”

Several weeks later, I ran into one of my male neighbors. We often spoke about our personal lives when we would bump into each other in the lobby. We talked about his girlfriend and being the investigative person I am, I started asking him questions about the relationship. He told me him and his girlfriend had been dating for three years and had recently moved in together. Intrigued I asked him, “So are you thinking about marriage? Are you saving up for the ring?” to which unlike my friend above he responded, “Yes, we’re actually engaged. We’re clearing out our personal debt so we can be financially prepared for the wedding.” Again, I was astonished. I have had several conversations with this guy and never once did he call his lady his “fiancée” only his girlfriend. I had no idea the relationship was at that place.

There was even a time when I was speaking to an ex-boyfriend about the commitment level of his relationship when he referred to his fiancée as simply his “roommate.” How was I supposed to know he was engaged?

If that’s not enough, I have even started to notice that when my guy friends are engaged, they either will not display their relationship status on Facebook or it will simply only say “in a relationship.” Very few of my male friends change their Facebook relationship display or relationship status until they are actually married.

When a woman is engaged, it is a major deal. She usually has a physical symbol of her impending union to show and tell all of her friends and family and her Facebook relationship status seems to change almost immediately. However, from my observation, it seems to be the total opposite for men.

Guys- Why does it seem so difficult for you to reveal your relationship status as “engaged?” Is it because you still want to “have your cake and eat it too” before making the “ultimate commitment?” Is it you would like to continue enjoying the benefits of being single before you say your vows? And how is a single girl supposed to know if a guy is about be betrothed if he fails to mention it to her? Does she need to wait until after he’s said “I Do” to know the truth?

Photo: Lasana Smith

Going From Simply Single To Wife Material!

  • February 14, 2012 at 7:22 am

Happy Valentine’s Day!!

I’ve got some great news to share with you on this day of love! I am in the process of finishing my 1st online book on dating and relationships: “Get A Ring On It: 10 Secrets To Go From Simply Single To Wife Material.”

Because you are my loyal readers and are always supportive of my blog, I wanted to give you a sneak peak of the book to be released this month. More details will be shared in the near future.

Enjoy….

Secret #3: Be Loving

At my friend’s bridal shower, the soon to be groom was asked why he decided to marry his future wife. His response was, “She loves me so much. I didn’t think I would ever find someone who would love me as much as she does.” His comment always lingered in the back of my mind. He didn’t say he was marrying her because she was the most beautiful woman he ever met or because she had the best body he had ever seen. No, he was marrying her because she was the most loving woman he had ever dated.

Men want to marry women who love them. Women who show them acts of kindness and are nice to them are the ones who they choose to take relationships with more seriously.  The first woman who most men have any interaction with is their mother. Who is more loving, gentle, sweet, kind and thoughtful than a mother? As boys grow into men, they look for women who can replicate this loving figure in their lives.

Initially a man is not able to tell right away how loving a woman is so he looks for clues: Does she smile often? Is she playful? Does she like when I touch her?  When a man can say, “yes” to these questions, the woman starts to peak his interest more. Then he looks for the woman to show she loves him in more deeper and meaningful ways. It could be making him dinner or ordering in food and having it ready for him after he’s come home from a long day of work. Picking up his medication and taking his temperature if he is sick. Even simply giving him a massage on a sore body part after an intense work out shows a man he is being cared for and loved.

But what about when the man makes the woman upset, does he still expect her to show him love then? Yes. A woman who truly loves a man will still find ways even while arguing to show love. She will try to fight fairly and practice not throwing personal shots at him. She will attempt not to go to bed angry as she will try to resolve their disagreement beforehand. In marriage, all things will not always be rosy. I have seen several examples of married couples at times when the wife did not feel her husband was worthy and deserving of her love. Maybe he made a major decision without consulting her, was dishonest about a personal situation or worst yet unfaithful to her in their marriage. But the amazing thing I discovered was regardless of these mistakes; underneath it all the wife still loved him. That kind of love is what truly holds marriages together. A man realizes this from the beginning. So he is looking for a woman to show him she can give him a love that is deep. A love that is unconditional.

Wife Material Lesson

 As a woman of wife material, it is important for you to practice being loving. Find ways to show your partner you love and care about him throughout the relationship. However, you don’t have to wait until you have a partner. You should first practice being loving to yourself. Because how can you ever love anyone else if you don’t love yourself first? It’s in loving yourself that you gain self-confidence and a feeling of self-worth. So book a spa day, enjoy a manicure and pedicure and even have flowers delivered to yourself. Whatever you need to do to help yourself feel loved do it. The more you feel loved the more you will attract love and once you attract that love you will be able to give it back in return. Thus is the circle of love.

Photo Credit: Pink Sherbet Photography /Flickr

What Do Men Really Want In A Wife?

  • February 3, 2012 at 7:00 am

What does a man look for in a woman that makes her wife material? That’s the question Niecy Nash ventured to find the answer to in the latest edition of her web-series, “Let’s Talk About Love.” In this episode, I am featured  (in the red dress) with Niecy Nash, to share my opinion on the topic in this women vs. men “barbershop talk” discussion. Check it out for yourself here:

What Do Men Really Want In A Wife?

Do you agree with the opinions shared in this video? What do you think men really want in a wife?

 

 

It’s Wedding Season!

  • June 15, 2011 at 9:07 am

Nothing reminds you that you’re single more than going to a wedding. On any Saturday during the month of June and throughout most of the summer, many single women (along with many single men) have to put on their “best” faces and be unselfishly happy for their friend having found the love of their life. Thus making them ponder why they are still waiting on the sidelines watching instead of wearing a white bridal gown (or a groomsman’s suit) themselves. This is magnified even more if the single person is part of the wedding party as displayed in the hit movie, “Bridesmaids.”

I personally have had my own share of emotional experiences at weddings. Forgoing the brave face and crying tears that weren’t always happy. Once I spent the majority of a friend’s wedding reception crying on the phone to another friend states away depressed about an impending break-up with my then boyfriend. This offended the bride who was upset I was not around to catch her bridal flowers during the coveted bouquet toss. Then there was the time I spent a couple of hours in the car crying during my younger brother’s wedding reception because he made it to the marital alter before me. When was I going to meet my soul mate I wondered?

During the first weekend of June, I flew to Boston to attend my cousin’s wedding. With my +1 being my mother and not a husband or significant other, I wondered if once again I would be in a bathroom stall or car crying my eyes out over my desire to be married. However while preparing for the big day, I spoke to the groom’s cousin who shared with me how big and beautiful her wedding was. Then a year later, she was going through a divorce. She complained how all that money was down the drain and promised if she ever married again to forego a big wedding. It just reminded me how much it’s not about the big party, white dress and engagement ring bling. It’s really about the relationship with the person whom you choose to say, “I do.”

Having survived my cousin’s wedding with dry eyes, I can honestly say I am excited about her adventure and wish her a successful marriage filled with love, joy and peace. Instead of feeling sad or depressed, watching her with her new husband gave me a renewed sense of hope as they displayed their love. Soon enough my prince will come. In the meantime, I will continue to believe in love and be joyful for all those who seem to find it.

How do weddings make you feel? Have you ever had an emotional experience during a wedding?

Photo: Lasana Smith

Where Is The Wedding Ring Of Prince William?

  • April 29, 2011 at 1:42 pm

As Catherine “Kate” Middleton walked down the aisle this morning in Westminster Abbey to her awaiting Prince, she looked stunning in her floor-length Alexander McQueen wedding gown designed by Sarah Burton. The most covered and talked about event of the day, the world watched excitedly as Kate and Prince William exchanged their wedding vows. Just one thing was missing. Prince William didn’t get a wedding ring. Yes, he pledged his fidelity and everlasting love to his new wife. He even placed a simple, but elegant Welsh gold wedding band on Kate’s finger but he himself will not be wearing a wedding ring.

A source told US Weekly it is common for royal patriarchs not to wear a wedding ring. Prince Phillip, William’s grandfather, does not display one. Neither did Prince William’s father, Prince Charles, when he married Princess Diana. However one can now find two bands, a signet and a wedding ring, on the left finger of Prince Charles ever since he married Camilla Parker Bowles in 2005.

During the wedding ceremony, many ministers remind the bride and groom while exchanging vows that “the wedding ring is a symbol of eternity. It is an outward sign of an inward and spiritual bond which unites two hearts in endless love.” It is the most famous and instantly recognizable token of love and of deep commitment to one’s spouse and marriage. So why would either the bride or groom not want to wear a wedding ring?

The institution of marriage has come under intense scrutiny in recent years as many question if its sanctity is still a practical ideal. However of all the marital traditions that have been abandoned, wearing a wedding ring is one that has held steadfast. Now I wonder how much longer that tradition will last.

Will the groom not wearing a wedding ring become the marital trend? As a bride, how would you feel if your groom decided not to display a wedding ring?

Watch Prince William and Catherine Middleton exchange vows here: http://www.cbsnews.com/video/watch/?id=7364272n

Photo: Tehbieber/ Flickr

Why Do Americans Need To Be Married?

  • November 23, 2010 at 9:03 am

This fall the Pew Research Center, in association with TIME magazine, conducted a nationwide poll surveying 2,691 people exploring current marital trends and the modern American family. The results of those findings were published in an article TIME entitled, “Who Needs Marriage? A Changing Institution.” That article instigated an eruption of media attention on the subject. CNN.com asked, “Is Marriage Becoming Obsolete?” and both MSNBC.com and The Washington Post answered the question by stating that “Four in 10 Say Marriage Is Becoming Obsolete.” Several of my friends having read these articles text, tweet, Facebook messaged, emailed and called me to find out, “Did you read this? What do you think? Is marriage becoming obsolete?”

As most of us already know, the type of value placed on marriage in previous generations, is not the same type of value our current generation places on marriage today. This is the result of several factors:

  • The High Divorce Rate: With the US divorce rate being as high as 50%, most men and women in our generation are not running to the altar in the way they did in the past. Our generation is more cautious when it comes to marriage and takes more precautions before doing so.
  • Women Empowerment: As women are able to attain higher education and obtain job and financial security, they no longer look to their husband to fulfill this role. Now finding a marital partner with a similar socioeconomic status is deemed more desirable.
  • Birth Control: The advent of the birth control pill and other contraceptives evoked a sexual revolution where women are able to have sex with less concern about having a child out of wedlock.
  • Lack of Societal Pressure: As sociologists mentioned in the TIME article, marriage is no longer the “ultimate marriage badge” or the “demarcation of adulthood.” Society accepts that one can have a happy and fulfilling life, obtain a successful career, enjoy a balanced personal life, and even raise children without being in a marital situation.

Despite these conditions, the interesting fact is that people still do want to be married. According to the Pew poll, six in ten Americans still want to be married and although 44% of Americans under 30 believe marriage is heading for extinction, only 5% of those in that age group did not want to become married. In fact, the survey found Americans were more pessimistic about the nation’s education system and its economy than it was about the future of the American family. With such a contradiction, perhaps a better title for TIME’s article would have been, “Why Do Americans Need To Be Married? With sociologists even noting that Americans are among the highest in the Western world when it comes to their marriage and remarriage rates (additionally, the American divorce rate is higher than most European countries). So why do Americans need to marry?

It is my belief that America will not become a country of cohabitating couples because our country was founded on Christian principles and highly values freedom of religion. What religion do you know that does not value marriage and family? Therefore, the institution of marriage is not becoming obsolete (at least not in America). In order for this to happen, the fundamentals of American values and principles would have to dramatically change and I do not see that happening anytime soon.

So if the value placed on marriage has changed but marriage is not becoming obsolete, what is it becoming? It’s evolving. Marriage is no longer primarily an economic and social institution. It’s now a personal union based on the spiritual, emotional, physical and mental partnership of two equal parties. That’s why in an upcoming blog, you’ll see me talk about what psychologist, Steve Brody calls “The 3 C’s: Chemistry, Commitment, Communication.” These are the current values people are seeking in a marriage today and what is necessary to maintain one. Therefore if you think marriage is becoming obsolete or extinct, think again.

Do you think marriage is becoming obsolete? Why do you think Americans need to be married?

Photo: epSos.de / Flickr

Project Husband

  • September 29, 2010 at 1:43 pm

If you’re a woman over the age of 25, you’ve already been bombarded by the societal messages that you should be married by thirty and that your fertility will decline as you age. Each woman handles these pressures differently. Some women rebel against them by reviving the adventures of their youth with random hook-ups, one night stands and drinking binges. They don’t believe that society should dictate to them who they should be or how they should act at any age. Other women thrust themselves further into their work believing instead they will excel in the one area that with hard work they can control and succeed in…their jobs. Then there are the women who totally acquiesce to the pressure of society and believing they only have a few viable years to acquire a husband and kids, decide to devote the rest of their single lives to “project husband.”

What is “project husband” you may be asking? It is when a woman is determined to find a husband in the shortest amount of time possible and pursues it as she would finding a job. Now for the record, I’m not saying there is anything wrong with wanting to be married and creating opportunities for finding that special someone. My issue with “project husband” is in the intention: To find a husband who will most likely be the father of their children. Little emphasis seems to be placed on love, compatibility, common interests, etc. as more emphasis seems to be placed on the willingness of the man to make a marital commitment and if he and his lifestyle are tolerable. Wearing a beautiful white dress and having a big party to impress friends and family along with the ability to join the “first wives” club, is more important to these women than creating a partnership and a marriage that lasts a lifetime.

With the American divorce rate being reported at 50% and 70-80% of these divorces being filed by women, I think it’s imperative that women enter the institution of marriage with reverence. Not due to the peer pressure mentality of “well everyone else is doing it,” societal validation or as some sort of “rites of passage” into womanhood, because marriage doesn’t just dramatically affect your life but also the lives of your mate, families and potential children.

Instead of flipping through pages of the latest bridal magazines and fantasizing on how you would look in this year’s Fall wedding dress trends. Fantasize over these types of questions instead:

Who am I and what do I bring to a marriage?

What do I want my future to look like?

What type of partner will complement my ideal future?

What do I want my marriage to look like? Feel like?

What traditions would I like to implement into my marriage to constantly renew our love?

What are some marital strategies I can employ to foster a long-lasting union?

Properly assessing potential mates and the type of marriage you want will provide greater assurance that you will not only gain a “husband” but a life partner.

Photo: Orangeacid/ Flickr