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Can This Friendship Be Saved After A Facebook Mistake?

  • January 12, 2011 at 11:01 am

Dear Lasana,

There is a guy who I really like who I had been hanging out with a bunch. The more time we spent together, the more I liked him. Even though we hooked up a few times, I did not expect things to go any further than friendship and we never even talked about it. We just had a great time together. We’re both currently students and entered finals, aka the most awful, stressful time of the year. During our exam period, I asked him if he wanted to take a “real” break and catch a movie either that night or the next night. He had his hardest final coming up so he told me that although he really wanted to get out, he didn’t think he could spare the time and needed to stay in and study. Nevertheless, I go on Facebook the next day, after a particularly rough day, and of all things, see a “mobile upload” from his phone the evening before with him partying.

In the wake of all my exams and personal stress, my first and only instinct was that he blatantly lied to me. I called him and mentioned my concerns. It turns out, I was wrong. The picture was a couple months old and his friend had just MMS’ed it to him the night before and he uploaded it then during a study break. I felt like crap. He was very offended and I apologized before we hung up. Afterwards, I text him several times saying I was embarrassed and shouldn’t have let finals stress overcome my judgment. He text back and said not to worry about it. I sent him one last reply saying I hope it wouldn’t affect our friendship but he hasn’t been very responsive with me since and I’m not sure what to do. I’m really worried that I did mess up our friendship. I was actually happy with how things were with us and I’m terrified of him not wanting to see me.  I haven’t liked someone as much as I like him in years. I just need our friendship to be back at 100%, because I feel like if I lose that, I lose the opportunity in the future for when I do want something more. Do you think this friendship can be saved?

Sleepless in Seattle

Dear “Sleepless”

It is evident your feelings for this man are very strong. Like you said, stronger than what you’ve felt for anyone in a long time and you are trying your hardest not to mess things up and push him away. Unfortunately, sometimes when we concentrate on not doing something too much it actually attracts the very thing we don’t want which may be what is happening in your case.

You guys are both under a lot of stress and pressure with school, life, etc. I think this is why you made the mistake in the first place. High emotion + High stress makes for a very volatile situation. I understand you feeling bad about the mistake but these things happen. Sometimes you’re going to make a mistake. That happens. Learn from it and let it go. It was a misunderstanding, plain and simple.

Keep in mind men aren’t like women. They normally don’t hold on to grudges the way women do.  When you guys spoke, it was evident he was over it and had moved on (In fact I really feel like he cares about you because he answered the phone to speak with you in the first place.) I’m sure he did feel hurt that you would even think he would lie to you because that meant you questioned his character, but it’s just a bruised ego. That’s nothing a little ego stroking can’t fix later.

In the end, the good news is you haven’t ruined the friendship. He’s really over it and the best thing you can do at this point is drop it. If you keep bringing it up, it’s going to keep reiterating the fact that you don’t trust his character and then he really may stop talking to you. You have to forgive yourself for making the mistake and move forward. Let go and let flow. Trust that everything is working out for your highest good and know that you guys have built the foundation to a strong friendship. If this same situation happened between you and a girl friend, you wouldn’t have thought you lost her friendship forever. The same can be said with this man. It’s really ok. Take a deep breath, forgive yourself and allow the friendship continue to unfold and blossom.

Wishing you the best in love and life,

Lasana

Do you have any further insights or advice you’d like to share with Sleepless in Seattle?

Photo: Ed Yourdon/ Flickr