“What type of girl do you think I am? It’s just too soon can’t you understand,” Stephanie Mills sang in her 80s hit single “(You’re Puttin’) A Rush On Me.” While jammin’ to some throwbacks this song came on and I was startled by how much I could relate to the lyrics. As Stephanie Mills sang, I began recalling incidents from recent first dates where men had been indirectly urging me to become physically intimate. The excuses to get me alone made me feel like I was in college all over again; only this time I was much smarter and more aware of how not to be placed in a situation before I was ready. Let me share a few of these suggestive promptings with you:
Guy #1: Met at an awards show several months ago. During our first phone conversation, he revealed that his friend had a new shoe line at his home that he would like me to see after we met for coffee. Not feeling comfortable going to his home, I asked him if he could bring a few pairs with him to the coffee shop so I could see them there instead. He refused and said that was not possible. Instead we ended up meeting for lunch where he told me about this amazing salmon that he prepares and how on the next date he’d like to invite me over to try it. Once again I explained to him that although I would love to try the salmon, I would prefer to try it in a public place such as in the park on a picnic than in his home. He insisted that he could not get to know a woman unless he really “got to know her.” I responded by letting him know that he was getting to know me well enough through our dates. Apparently he didn’t agree as I never heard back from him again after that date.
Guy #2: Met recently in a class I was taking. He asked me on a date and being new to Los Angeles, I decided to show him around. We went to an entertainment expo, the movies and then dinner. In total we had been together about six hours that afternoon. Upon dropping me off, he asked if I had any movies in my apartment so we could make it a “Blockbuster night.” I told him that I did not and bid him good night. We went on a second date and at the end of that date he again suggested that we made it a “movie night” at either his apartment or mine. When I rebuffed and asked him exactly what he was looking for in a relationship, he explained that he would like to have a “special friend” (aka FWB “friend with benefits.”) I told him that was not what I’m looking for but there are several other girls in LA who may be willing to play that role. We’re still friends…but not with benefits!
Guy #3: Met during an outing with friends. We had a late dinner and realized that we both had a shared love of the entertainment industry. After we finished dinner (around midnight) he asked if I would like to see his new apartment as it had a great view of the city. I doubted I was going to see much of any view that night so I respectfully declined. We spoke on the phone a few weeks later and he asked if I would like to join him at his house to watch television. Once again I declined the invitation to his apartment. Curiously he asked, “Are you nervous to come to my place?” “I wouldn’t say nervous, I think inappropriate would be a better word,” I quickly responded. Frustrated he stated, “It’s only TV!” “Yes, it starts out only being TV, but things have a tendency of going down an entirely different path once two people are alone together” I explained. He understood and the future of that relationship is still pending.
I just don’t understand. I don’t dress provocatively; I don’t make sexual suggestions during a first date so what’s with all the sexual propositions? If a man takes the time to get to know a woman, he will most likely become physically intimate with her at some point anyway so what’s the rush? Is it because we live in an impatient society? Is it because in this depressed economy men don’t have the time or money to properly court a woman? Am I being tested by these men to see what type of woman I am? Or has this become standard protocol while dating and my morals and values have become antiquated? Clearly, more women must be giving it up on the first date if these men think it is acceptable to even make these sexual inclinations. Especially when I have a guy friend telling me, “Lasana, please introduce me to a woman who won’t sleep with me on the first date. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’ve never had so much punany in my life, but I’d really like the challenge.”
Ladies- Let’s regain a sense of value and pride in ourselves and our bodies. If you would like to be physically intimate with a man on the first date, do it because YOU want to but not because you feel like it will make him like you more or want to date you. In my experience, it usually is the woman who is mysterious and creates a sense of anticipation in which a man will choose to seriously date.
Men- Do you agree with the statements above?
Is becoming sexual on the first date the new dating ritual? Have you ever experienced being urged to be physically intimate with someone before you were ready? If so, how have you dealt with it?
Photo: Or Hiltch / Flickr