You are currently browsing all posts tagged with 'partnership'

When Being Great Isn’t Good Enough

  • May 7, 2013 at 6:22 pm

I don’t have a short list when it comes to the attributes I look for in a potential mate.  However, my list of “must haves” and “nice to haves” are not based on quantity but quality. Some may think my standards are too high, but the traits I am looking for in another are ones  I believe are not only attainable but ones in which I also possess. Being spiritual, educated, open-minded, loving, supportive, cultural, fun and handsome are just a few of the characteristics I seek in my future husband. For me, marriage is not just about love but a lifetime partnership. This man will not just be someone I live with but an integral part of my life. He should be adding to and enhancing my life and our future. Therefore when I date a man I can’t foresee in this position, he either gets placed in the “friend” category or we cease being in contact.

The challenge becomes when I meet a man who completely fits my potential mate criteria, but there is still something missing…chemistry. It’s the most frustrating thing. Recently, I’ve been dating a great guy who on paper is my ideal man. However, after several dates, I have come to the conclusion that I am missing an emotional connection with him. How is it possible to kiss someone and feel nothing? To be caressed and feel numb? I don’t even dream, fantasize or long to spend time with him.

I mentioned my dilemma to a girlfriend who suggested I give it more time, “Maybe he’ll grow on you” she said. After a few months of trying, another friend seeing how frustrated I was getting said to me, “Why are you even still trying? As a dating and relationship expert, you should know better than anyone else that chemistry is either there or it’s not. You can’t create it if it doesn’t exist.”  Oh, but how I wish I could! Would dating a guy who has the majority of the attributes I’m looking for in a potential mate although I’m lacking an emotional connection with him be considered a form of settling or a mature decision for a secure future?

Do you also have a list of characteristics you look for in a potential mate? Have you ever dated someone who possessed the qualities on your list, but with whom you were lacking chemistry? How did you handle the situation?

Photo: Lasana Smith

Project Husband

  • September 29, 2010 at 1:43 pm

If you’re a woman over the age of 25, you’ve already been bombarded by the societal messages that you should be married by thirty and that your fertility will decline as you age. Each woman handles these pressures differently. Some women rebel against them by reviving the adventures of their youth with random hook-ups, one night stands and drinking binges. They don’t believe that society should dictate to them who they should be or how they should act at any age. Other women thrust themselves further into their work believing instead they will excel in the one area that with hard work they can control and succeed in…their jobs. Then there are the women who totally acquiesce to the pressure of society and believing they only have a few viable years to acquire a husband and kids, decide to devote the rest of their single lives to “project husband.”

What is “project husband” you may be asking? It is when a woman is determined to find a husband in the shortest amount of time possible and pursues it as she would finding a job. Now for the record, I’m not saying there is anything wrong with wanting to be married and creating opportunities for finding that special someone. My issue with “project husband” is in the intention: To find a husband who will most likely be the father of their children. Little emphasis seems to be placed on love, compatibility, common interests, etc. as more emphasis seems to be placed on the willingness of the man to make a marital commitment and if he and his lifestyle are tolerable. Wearing a beautiful white dress and having a big party to impress friends and family along with the ability to join the “first wives” club, is more important to these women than creating a partnership and a marriage that lasts a lifetime.

With the American divorce rate being reported at 50% and 70-80% of these divorces being filed by women, I think it’s imperative that women enter the institution of marriage with reverence. Not due to the peer pressure mentality of “well everyone else is doing it,” societal validation or as some sort of “rites of passage” into womanhood, because marriage doesn’t just dramatically affect your life but also the lives of your mate, families and potential children.

Instead of flipping through pages of the latest bridal magazines and fantasizing on how you would look in this year’s Fall wedding dress trends. Fantasize over these types of questions instead:

Who am I and what do I bring to a marriage?

What do I want my future to look like?

What type of partner will complement my ideal future?

What do I want my marriage to look like? Feel like?

What traditions would I like to implement into my marriage to constantly renew our love?

What are some marital strategies I can employ to foster a long-lasting union?

Properly assessing potential mates and the type of marriage you want will provide greater assurance that you will not only gain a “husband” but a life partner.

Photo: Orangeacid/ Flickr