You are currently browsing all posts tagged with 'pressure'

Ticking Biological Clocks

  • July 27, 2011 at 10:04 am

In last week’s blog, When Does Settling Down Become Simply Settling, I discussed how many of my girlfriends are getting engaged and marrying men after only dating for a few months. Not seeming as enamored by many of these men, they were usually not even on the same level (financially, educationally, etc). I believe one of the main reasons these women have decided to go this route is because their biological clocks are ticking and they want to have children. Growing up in religious households most of us have been taught to have children within the institution of marriage. But what do we do as the years continue to go by and we haven’t met our “soulmate?” As a single woman we are faced with 3 options:

1. Keep looking: Hoping we’ll find “the one” during our child bearing years.

2. Get married: Find a man who will be a good husband and provider even if we may not love him, at least we will have our children the “right” way.

3. Find a sperm donor: Enroll either a male friend or ex-boyfriend into having a baby with us or purchase sperm from a sperm bank. This choice will most likely create a single parent household, but at lease we’d have our own biological children.

Reading an article entitled, “My Fertility Crisis” in the Wall Street Journal last weekend reminded me of how fragile a woman’s fertility really is. A healthy woman’s chances of getting pregnant naturally are 20% to 25% in her 20s, 10% to 15% in her 30s, and 5% in her 40s. As my friends enter their 30s, their carefree days of believing they have nothing but time have now been replaced with a sense of urgency to get married and have children. They are deciding to leave the romance in the movies and books and approach their love lives logically.  The phrase “I’m in love” has been replaced with “He’s a good man.”

Of course there’s always adoption and even freezing or purchasing donor eggs if we really want to be mothers but that comes at a high price and most of us have grown up wanting to have biological children of our own the traditional way. From the time we played with our first baby doll, we knew one day we’d have a real child of our own to nurture. Now as we begin to realize how limited that fertility window of opportunity is, the choice becomes ours to determine our fate.

Ladies- Do you feel pressured by a ticking biological clock? If so, how have you chosen to handle it?

Guys- Do you also feel pressured to have children due to age, societal or family pressures? Have you ever been approached by an ex-girlfriend or female friend to assist her in having children?

Photo Credit: Davhor/Flickr

Can This Friendship Be Saved After A Facebook Mistake?

  • January 12, 2011 at 11:01 am

Dear Lasana,

There is a guy who I really like who I had been hanging out with a bunch. The more time we spent together, the more I liked him. Even though we hooked up a few times, I did not expect things to go any further than friendship and we never even talked about it. We just had a great time together. We’re both currently students and entered finals, aka the most awful, stressful time of the year. During our exam period, I asked him if he wanted to take a “real” break and catch a movie either that night or the next night. He had his hardest final coming up so he told me that although he really wanted to get out, he didn’t think he could spare the time and needed to stay in and study. Nevertheless, I go on Facebook the next day, after a particularly rough day, and of all things, see a “mobile upload” from his phone the evening before with him partying.

In the wake of all my exams and personal stress, my first and only instinct was that he blatantly lied to me. I called him and mentioned my concerns. It turns out, I was wrong. The picture was a couple months old and his friend had just MMS’ed it to him the night before and he uploaded it then during a study break. I felt like crap. He was very offended and I apologized before we hung up. Afterwards, I text him several times saying I was embarrassed and shouldn’t have let finals stress overcome my judgment. He text back and said not to worry about it. I sent him one last reply saying I hope it wouldn’t affect our friendship but he hasn’t been very responsive with me since and I’m not sure what to do. I’m really worried that I did mess up our friendship. I was actually happy with how things were with us and I’m terrified of him not wanting to see me.  I haven’t liked someone as much as I like him in years. I just need our friendship to be back at 100%, because I feel like if I lose that, I lose the opportunity in the future for when I do want something more. Do you think this friendship can be saved?

Sleepless in Seattle

Dear “Sleepless”

It is evident your feelings for this man are very strong. Like you said, stronger than what you’ve felt for anyone in a long time and you are trying your hardest not to mess things up and push him away. Unfortunately, sometimes when we concentrate on not doing something too much it actually attracts the very thing we don’t want which may be what is happening in your case.

You guys are both under a lot of stress and pressure with school, life, etc. I think this is why you made the mistake in the first place. High emotion + High stress makes for a very volatile situation. I understand you feeling bad about the mistake but these things happen. Sometimes you’re going to make a mistake. That happens. Learn from it and let it go. It was a misunderstanding, plain and simple.

Keep in mind men aren’t like women. They normally don’t hold on to grudges the way women do.  When you guys spoke, it was evident he was over it and had moved on (In fact I really feel like he cares about you because he answered the phone to speak with you in the first place.) I’m sure he did feel hurt that you would even think he would lie to you because that meant you questioned his character, but it’s just a bruised ego. That’s nothing a little ego stroking can’t fix later.

In the end, the good news is you haven’t ruined the friendship. He’s really over it and the best thing you can do at this point is drop it. If you keep bringing it up, it’s going to keep reiterating the fact that you don’t trust his character and then he really may stop talking to you. You have to forgive yourself for making the mistake and move forward. Let go and let flow. Trust that everything is working out for your highest good and know that you guys have built the foundation to a strong friendship. If this same situation happened between you and a girl friend, you wouldn’t have thought you lost her friendship forever. The same can be said with this man. It’s really ok. Take a deep breath, forgive yourself and allow the friendship continue to unfold and blossom.

Wishing you the best in love and life,

Lasana

Do you have any further insights or advice you’d like to share with Sleepless in Seattle?

Photo: Ed Yourdon/ Flickr