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Real Talk with Brookshire

  • February 21, 2013 at 9:00 am

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This Sunday I was fortunate enough to be asked to join The Oprah Winfrey OWN recap show, AFTERBUZZ TV host Brookshire Lafayette  on the “Real Talk with Brookshire” show! We discuss what men and women REALLY want in relationships, the most important value in relationships and of course my upcoming book…Get A Ring On It! Check it out here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1U9isMYSrrQ&feature=youtu.be

* If you are not currently a subscriber, you’ll want to sign up now for FREE (see the box on the right-side of this blog).  I will be sending out some great relationship tips to my subscribers soon including a free chapter or two from Get A Ring On It!

 

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What Do Women Want In A Man?

  • February 5, 2013 at 4:22 pm

While looking at status updates on Facebook the other day, I came across one that caught my attention: “How do you date in 2013? It’s funny but we as people sometimes lose sight on the key ingredients of a relationship or a marriage. To find a mate anywhere, online, a club, etc. and be physically attracted to them and quickly jump in the bed but you really don’t know that person but because the sex is so good, then you overlook their faults. So what’s more important: physical attraction/good sex or moral values, let me know.” *

My first thought after reading this was, “Well I’d like to have all three!” However, as I read his comments, I started to think about my personal dating and relationship life. Which do I really choose first? There are several great guys in my life that I have platonic friendships which I greatly admire and appreciate their morals and values. They have the type of standards of the man I would want to marry. Unfortunately, I am not physically attracted to the majority of these guys and if there is no physical attraction, I’m not going to even look to explore the sexual chemistry. At one point, I tried to date a guy that although I wasn’t physically attracted, had the morals and values I was looking for. When asking one of my guy friends for advice on the situation, he told me, “Why would you want to date someone where’s there’s no attraction?”  I agreed and decided to look elsewhere.

On the other hand, I have dated men with great looks, whom I went on to have a powerful sexual connection, but after finding out their values and morals didn’t match up to mine, I broke it off. This was definitely harder, because then I would ask myself (and God), “Oh why couldn’t this work out? Why couldn’t he have had the same morals and values as mine as well?” Sigh!

I don’t want to come off as being picky and I truly want someone who is the entire package. However, sometimes it seems that the longer I’m single and the older I get, the slimmer the pickings. A friend of mine, Sharon, once emailed me this joke about what a woman wants in a man:

What I Want In A Man!     Original  List
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring  listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises

What I Want in a Man         Revised List (age  32)
1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries

What I Want in a Man      Revised List (age  42)
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn’t  drive off until I’m in the car
3. Works steady – splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I’m talking
5. Usually remembers  punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man     Revised List (age  52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn’t belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn’t borrow money too often
4. Doesn’t nod off to sleep when I’m venting
5. Doesn’t re-tell the same joke too many  times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh  underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What I Want in a Man     Revised List (age  62)
1. Doesn’t scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn’t require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he’s laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it’s the weekend

What I Want in a Man       Revised List (age  72)
1. Breathing..
2. Doesn’t miss the toilet..

I don’t want to compromise what I’m looking for just to find a potential mate. However, I don’t want to end up being single and alone because I wasn’t open-minded enough. I feel I bring an entire package to the table, is it too much to ask that my potential mate does so as well?

How do you date in 2013? What are the most important aspects you look for in a potential mate?

* Facebook quote originally written by TK Williams and used with permission.

Photo: Seekaltroutes’/ Flickr

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Are Bad Dates Bad For Your Health?

  • January 18, 2013 at 5:00 am

There have been several studies done in recent years to determine if there is a link between romantic relationships and our health. One study suggests a healthy and loving relationship is good for the heart. The theory behind this is that people who are in a healthy relationship or marriage tend to have less stress and lower anxiety levels in their lives which can lead to positive effects on their cardiovascular system over long periods of time. However chronic health conditions such as heart disease, diabetes or cancer are 20 percent more likely to occur in people who have been widowed or divorced according to University of Chicago sociologist Linda Waite. But what about while one is in the dating process? Can a good or bad date affect one’s health?

This question never occurred to me until recently. I was lying down on a hospital bed after being admitted in the emergency room for treatment. Two of my friends were supportively by my side as I was hooked up to a computer which monitored bodily functions such as my heart rate. To lighten the mood, my friend asked me to recall the details of a recent bad date experience. As I was retelling the story about the guy who invited me out never offering me anything and when I asked if he wanted to split an entrée replied, “Do you only want to split this because you can’t afford to pay for the meal yourself?” in addition to thinking I was playing mind games with him the entire night; my friend realized that my heart rate had elevated dramatically on the monitor. Surprised, I thought to myself, let me continue telling the story from a more light-hearted place. I took a deep breath, smiled and finished sharing the details. No difference, heart rate stayed high. Weird I thought. Maybe this is how people get caught on lie detector tests?

It led me to realize how much stress and anxiety this one bad date contributed to my life and how a combination of these bad dates could potentially affect my health. Does this mean that I’m going to stop dating so I can avoid bad dates? No, because I believe one has to go through the bad to get to the good. However, what I will do going forward is be more aware of how a bad date or an unhealthy relationship affects my life. I believe life is too short to live stressed out, anxious and/or frustrated due to finding or being with a romantic partner. Don’t you agree?

Have you ever felt the effects of a romantic relationship on your health?

Photo: Brykmantra / Flickr

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The Worst Question To Ask A Single Person

  • January 1, 2013 at 5:16 pm

The other night I was at a networking event where I was introduced to a man who seemed to possess the qualities of my ideal mate: intelligent, good job, tall, handsome and single. We bantered for a bit about the event and our personal lives. He was interesting and I was enjoying our conversation hoping that it would lead to a first date. That was until he asked me the inevitable question, “Why are you single?” Before that question I was feeling beautiful, confident and witty. After that question, I began to feel my insecurities rise within me as I pondered an answer. Do I discuss the last guy I dated who didn’t want to commit to me or the fact that many guys I meet are intimidated by my beauty, intelligence and ambition (the very assets I feel would make me a desirable romantic partner)? Do I discuss how bad timing played a role in sabotaging past relationships, as I feel that if I had met former boyfriends at later times in their lives there is a likelihood I would have been married by now? Do I discuss the fact that I have spent several years contemplating that very question and am still uncertain about the answer? Above all would any of these responses be appropriate “first meeting” conversation? Could the reply, “I don’t know” suffice?

Eventually I mustered up an answer that I thought would be light but powerful and honest. “I just haven’t met the right person yet,” I responded coyly starting to feel the confidence within me rising again. “Why not? Are your standards too high?” he quickly shot back. Ok, now this conversation was becoming a slippery slope. “Well I don’t think wanting a man who is intelligent, spiritual, employed and attractive are high standards. Do you?” I retorted realizing this conversation was no longer going in a positive direction. Politely I found a way to end our discourse then moved on.

Although I comprehend the theory behind wanting to understand why a person is single, I don’t understand how asking that question reveals anything substantial about potential relationship issues. Is the person hoping someone would own up to their personal flaws by making statements like: “Well I was in a mental institution for the past year”; “I have trust issues which make me very clingy”; “My baby daddy, Ray-Ray, don’t like anyone else being around me or the kids.” Seriously, the only way I think a person can uncover the proper answer to finding out “why a person is single” is to spend some time getting to know the person. That and maybe “Googling” them! (Just kidding…well maybe not!)

What questions do you use to uncover if a person has relationship potential or not? Do you feel there is a worst question to be asked as a single person than, “Why are you single?” If not, how do you respond to that question?

Photo: Glenn Loos-Austin / Flickr

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Where Are My Dates??

  • August 3, 2012 at 9:00 am

Dear Lasana,

I joined POF about 3 weeks ago. Since then about 70 girls have viewed my profile, only about 7 girls wrote, none turned into a date.  The girls I fall head over heals for don’t write  nor respond!

HELP!!

Outdoor Comforts

 

Dear Outdoor Comforts,

Thanks for reaching out. I can understand how frustrating it must feel to not get a bigger reaction from your profile.

In your email you wrote that 7 women did respond. Why did a date not result with any of these women? Did you respond back to them? I also read that 70 women viewed your profile. Did you respond to any of them? Did you email any other women on POF who you found interesting? Women appreciate it when a man contacts them first whether it’s online or otherwise.

I would also suggest you review your POF profile. Is your profile picture flattering? What are you saying on your profile that is attractive to women? Read my blog here to see if you have a “winning” online profile: http://www.loveandlifeblog.com/2011/04/22/5-tips-for-a-winning-online-dating-profile/

Finally, what type of relationship are you looking for? A woman to date? Hook Up with? Or serious relationship? E-Harmony recently released stats stating that 236 members get married everyday after being matched on their site.  Match.com also released stats stating 12 couples get engaged or married on their site everyday. So if you’re looking for a long-term or more seriously committed relationship, I would recommend you investing the money and trying one of these sites instead.

Wishing you the best in Love and Life,
Lasana

Follow-Up

Hiii, well since our last email I made several changes to my profile and images.  I put up 6 images in different attire: business casual, bathing suit, suit & tie, shirt off e.t.c.  I also made sure that I put neat borders around each image and effects like black and white to make the images more dramatic.
For my profile: instead of saying what i am, i demonstrated it…instead of saying “im witty, and clever, passionate and charming.”
I said “im the guy who when you ask for coffee will automatically tell you, “”only if you stir it with your finger so its sweet”"
I made sure it was clear what I wanted, to save time and not have useless coversations.
Since then my response rate has doubled, and I am getting much more opportunity to meet, and talk with the girls I like best.

Thanks,

Outdoor Comforts

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R-E-S-P-E-C-T

  • October 5, 2011 at 10:46 am

One night I was at a networking event and met a man I felt could be my perfect match. Over a pan of peach cobbler, we talked and I discovered that besides being tall, dark and handsome, he was also intelligent, ambitious and owned his own business. I was delighted to exchange numbers with him and even more excited a few days later to go out on our first date. He seemed to possess so many of the qualities I was looking for it was almost too good to be true. I didn’t want to let a great guy like that slip away. So instead of displaying my equally amazing attributes so he could also recognize how lucky he was to be with me, I focused on being an adoring woman he would never want to leave. Rearranging my schedule to meet, going out of my way to do personal favors for him, and initiating intimacy sooner than I normally would were several of the ways I thought would show him how great I was and why he should want to build a relationship with me. However it was too early in the relationship and he didn’t earn any of those privileges, so instead of feeling honored he took them and me for granted. Very soon I noticed that he was taking my kindness for weakness. It was at that point I realized what I was doing. Because I wasn’t respecting myself, he was also not respecting me. It wasn’t long before I started making myself a priority in the relationship also taking my needs and wants into consideration. After that not only did he start respecting me but our relationship began to flourish. Although we’re no longer together the one thing I know I have from him is his respect.

How many times have we compromised ourselves, values, beliefs and ideals so we could be perceived as attractive or valuable to someone we really liked or in order to maintain a relationship? I’ve seen so many friends be taken for granted and/or be used by others because they did not respect their own personal needs and wants. Therefore they were not respected. What we have to realize is people want to be held to a standard. They want to be held accountable. We as women and men alike all want to have something to work towards, build and achieve even in our romantic relationships. People treat us the way we allow ourselves to be treated. When we don’t acknowledge and honor ourselves we rob others of really getting to know and love who we truly are.

Also once we are respecting ourselves, if the person we like (or in a relationship with) does not respect us then we have to honor ourselves enough to let them go. It is not worth holding onto someone who doesn’t treat us the way we deserve to be treated. Disrespect only continues to increase over time if not handled accordingly. It will never become respect on its own. Now is the time to consider what it is we really want out of a relationship and from the person in that relationship. Once we are respecting ourselves it sets the stage for a relationship of mutual love and respect.

Are you respecting yourself? Are other people respecting you? If not, what changes can you make today to increase the respect for yourself and from others?

Photo Credit: Nycstreets/Flickr

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Pretty Girl Blues

  • June 30, 2011 at 5:30 am

While traveling to Washington DC this past month, I had the opportunity to join several friends for happy hour at an upscale restaurant/lounge called The Park. As we waited for our drinks to arrive, the men in the group admired the beautiful waitress serving us. “She has to be taken,” said one of my guy friends. “If she’s not taken, she’s definitely dating a football player or someone like that,” said another about the very voluptuous and curvy woman wearing a form fitting black dress accented with gold jewelry and black curls cascading down her back. “How do you know?” I asked, “I bet you anything, she’s probably single.” “There’s no way she’s single,” the guys agreed in unison. I wanted to ask her about her relationship status, but she was working hard that night and I never quite built up the nerve to inquire about something so personal. However it occurred to me that if she was single she was most likely going to remain that way that night. As if it was challenging for me just to ask the question, I know she would have been too intimidating for most men to approach.

This situation is all too familiar for me. In fact, this week my dad called and told me about a friend of his who revealed her son had the biggest crush on me before he got married. “Um. really?”  I said to my dad, “I don’t remember ever having a real conversation with him. I don’t even remember him asking me for my number.” “Well apparently he was,” responded my dad. Although there’s nothing I can do about the situation now, it made me think about how many men cross my path on a daily basis admire me and just keep on walking. Maybe they think I have a boyfriend or am even out of their league so they never approach me. They eventually go on to marry women who may not be as intimidating or seem to be more attainable. Leaving the pretty girl to marry someone she “deserves”: the business tycoon, the major league athlete, rock star, etc. Problem is there are not a lot of those men available and the ones who are also have to choose among their college sweethearts, groupies and the women who don’t look like gold diggers (i.e. also other pretty girls). So where does this leave the pretty girl? Oftentimes, alone.

There are times I have even gone out dressed down with no make-up and my hair in a ponytail just so I can appear more approachable to men. Usually it works. It’s just that it doesn’t always attract the type of men I’m looking for. In addition, I don’t feel like I should have to dress down just so men think I’m available. So what are my options? What are the options for pretty girls in general?

As a woman, can you relate to the “pretty girl blues?” If so, how do you deal with it?

As a man, are you ever intimidated by pretty girls? If so, what would you recommend single pretty girls do to be more approachable?

Photo: Lasana Smith

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DWT- Dating While Texting

  • May 26, 2011 at 8:11 am

Everyone knows about DWIs. In case you are one of the few who has never taken a driver’s education class, a DWI stands for driving while intoxicated. If you’re found in violation of operating any motorized machinery after or during the consumption of alcohol or other drugs the penalties including jail time and fines are heavy. However lately I’ve been wondering if the consequences for another “DW” should be heightened. Although this “DW” has nothing to do with driving, instead it has to do with dating. I’ve decided to call it, DWT or dating while texting. In several states, driving while texting is illegal, and I’m starting to feel like maybe dating while texting should also be banned.

The popularity of sending brief messages via cell phones to other cell phone recipients has rapidly increased over the past several years. It’s a major convenience when you don’t want to talk but just share information or a quick thought. Unfortunately, it has started to become a fixture in the dating culture and no one has come up with etiquette or rules for DWT. For example, how soon does one text a romantic interest after receiving their phone number? Right away? Several days later? Do you call before texting? Do you even call before the first date or should this all be handled via text? And once you start dating, how is a relationship maintained via text? Is text appropriate to discuss relationship issues? What about break-ups via text?

I realize that I’m quite old-fashioned when it comes to dating. I like for relationships to be inter-personal and feel that open communication allows for the best success. Texting can hinder this type of communication because the messages have to be brief (usually 160 characters or less) and you can’t always pick up the person’s tone (are they angry, sarcastic, joking, etc.). This leads to potential misunderstandings which can cause stress to a relationship or at worst, its dissolution.

In my own personal dating life, this has been displayed in many ways. I have met men at an event and given them my phone number. I’ll receive a text message, a few days later stating, “What’s up?” or “Hey.” No introduction. No, “Hi Lasana. My name is (insert name here). It was nice meeting you at (insert event). Would love to chat with you sometime. When’s a good time to reach you?” Nothing. Therefore, I’m left clueless as to who the text message is even from until we’ve gone back and forth a few times. I’ve also had arguments via text only to find out when speaking to the person later that I misjudged their message or its intent.

It just seems that DWT is now used as a way to be passive-aggressive or to give one “technological courage” as it often provides the texter confidence to contact or say certain things they would never be able to over the phone or in person. As DWT continues to increase, it is important that we as a society figure out how to best fit this new technology into our dating practices in a way that works best for all parties. Until that happens, if you’re dating me, please pick up the phone and make plans to see me in person.

What do you think of DWT? How has it affected you in dating or in your romantic life?

Photo: Mr. Thomas / Flickr

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If Engaged, Am I Still Single?

  • March 23, 2011 at 2:15 pm

“Lasana, I have a question for you” said my friend on the phone to me this week. “I was having a battle of the sexes debate with some friends a few weeks ago and someone asked the question, ‘If I am engaged am I still single?’ The pro-single debaters argued that on your taxes, it doesn’t say anything about engaged. The marital status boxes read ‘single, married, divorced or widowed.’ Further defending their point, they explained there are several people who will still engage in intimate activities with an engaged person who may not do so with a married person. The anti-single debaters criticized these comments responding if a person has told someone they want to spend the rest of their life with them, they should no longer see themselves as single and hold themselves accountable to their partners.” “So Lasana,” my friend continued, “in your opinion, which group is right?”

Taking the points of both sides under consideration, I decided I most agreed with the pro-single debaters. It is a fact that until an individual is married the government formerly recognizes that person as single. No vows have been taken and no official papers have been signed. Engagement is the final stage a couple enters before officially merging their lives and assets together. It is the stage when the relationship should go through a final evaluation. Any lingering questions should be asked. Arising issues should be discussed. Compromises that will benefit both parties should be made. Engagement is not a stage that should be taken lightly. Successful completion of this stage will yield a strong foundation for a fruitful marriage. Conversely, this stage can also cause the dissolution of a relationship. Although it may be painful, I strongly feel it is better for a relationship to disband during the engagement stage than deal with the complex emotional, financial and legal ramifications of a divorce.

The anti-single debaters did have a major point I agreed with. If an individual has told their partner they would like to spend the rest of their life with them, then emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually they should be preparing themselves to make that commitment. In doing so, they should be as accountable to their partner as they would want their partner to be to them. If an individual thinks it is still acceptable to date or see other people intimately while engaged, my question would be to this individual “Is your partner aware of this? Would you find this behavior acceptable from your partner?” If the answer to either of those questions is “No” then it is glaringly clear the behavior is unacceptable. The idea of “what my partner doesn’t know won’t hurt them” or “until I take those vows, I’m still completely single” is setting the future marriage up at a disadvantage because that individual is being deceitful to their partner. Secrets, lies and betrayal are not the types of foundation that will yield a strong and peaceful marital union. If an individual still finds dating and/or being intimate with other people of value to them, then they should remain single. It is unreasonable to partially commit to another person. In this case, engagement and marriage should be delayed until both parties are fully ready.

Which side are you on? If a person is engaged, are you pro-single or anti-single?

Photo: Lemonjenny/ Flickr

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Singles Awareness Day

  • February 15, 2011 at 1:49 pm

We survived Valentine’s Day or as it’s popularly becoming known if you are single, “Singles Awareness Day!” Why you may ask? Because while everyone around you seems to be receiving flowers, heart shaped chocolates and going to romantic dinners, it’s the one day that although you’re already very aware, reinforces the fact that you are indeed single. For some, this day can be depressing. For others, it may encourage introspection or reflection as to why they may be single. However this year, instead of feeling down or discouraged, I propose you celebrate your singlehood.

A few weeks ago, I had the opportunity to visit my family and friends in Florida. Most of the friends I went to high school with are already married with children. It was great spending time with them and seeing the joy having a family brings to their lives. It’s a joy that I too would like to have one day. However, the one thing I also realized is how much freedom I have at this moment because I don’t have a husband or children. I can pick up at a moment’s notice and visit a friend in another state or another country. I can decide to further my education. Stay out as late as I want or sleep in as late as I want and none of my decisions affect anyone else but me. Ok, I can already hear the groaning from some of you….no it doesn’t keep me warm at night, but what it does do is give me the opportunity to be the best me I can be before settling down with someone else.

Rarely do we appreciate this stage, but being single is a gift. It gives us the ability to really live to our true potential and realize our highest personal expectations. We have an opportunity to be healthily selfish to pursue our passions, dreams and desires without worrying about how it’s going to have an effect on others. It’s an added pressure that we don’t even realize we don’t yet have until we have it. Whenever I have asked someone who is married, what advice they would have given their single younger self or to single people in general, the response is normally something like, “Have a lot of fun. Focus on yourself. Enjoy your personal freedom. Don’t worry about when you’re going to get married, because it will come soon enough. Date and enjoy life.”

Heed their advice. Instead of sitting at home depressed. Think about your life’s goals and really start working on or advancing in them. Concentrate on what makes you happy. There may come a time when your happiness may come secondary to the needs of your spouse or your family. So now while you have this single time, enjoy it!

Are you taking full advantage of your singlehood? If you’re in a relationship or married, what advice do you have for singles?

Photo: Alaskan Dude/ Flickr

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